Words and Music by Eg

This song was written about my first night staying kleen. It is very much just a slice-of-life from that very first night (July 26, 1988). I have come to see that any addict staying kleen through their first night is a miracle. I wanted to capture this miracle in a song. I most certainly “white-knuckled” my first night. All night long I was wanting to go to my dealer’s house and, literally, sat on my hands. I had two old upright pianos in my apartment and played on those most of the night. My girlfriend at the time was in a play and out partying with her cast. I don’t believe she even came home that night. I remember I tried praying several times through the night and was absolutely certain I was doing it wrong and it was NOT working because I was shaking and sweating and sick.

I remember still being awake at dawn. I was lying on the floor in my living room just looking at the ceiling trying to make my thoughts go away. The room became, by degrees, lighter and lighter. By the time dawn came I had surrendered and knew something was different in my life. It was the first moment that I experienced the smallest kernel of hope. I started coming to believe that morning. I can say now, looking back, that night was the greatest accomplishment of my life up until that point. It was the most difficult and most important thing that I had ever done. As I write this I am awash in gratitude that that 27 year old child held on all night long and then long enough after that he could learn to…let go. I am happy to report that I now have tannish-pink knuckles

The recording of this song was, like many of the others, a laboratory experiment. Five spectacular musicians to whom I had given total artistic freedom. They had the structure of the song and I asked them to create something cool. That process started with Dow getting a syncopated bass line that gave the song a nice weight and heft. Then JT started playing with feedback and a palate of random sounds. Shane was doing some crazy muting of the piano strings with his hands while playing notes and chords. There is a nearly two minute intro to this song in the raw version that sounds like it came right off Pink Floyd’s Ummaguamma.

While we were playing and I was singing scratch vocals, Paul stopped playing and said over the PA: “Ace, run Eric’s voice through a plug-in for a nasty amp.” It took Ace about five seconds to have me singing through that plug-in and it was cool. Paul said, “Oh yeah, that’s it.” We wanted to make the verses quiet and the chorus big and rocking. We couldn’t quite get the chorus big enough so Paul took a capacitor mic and had Ace run the track of the chorus. Paul started snorting into the mic on the beat—out sort on the beat and in snort on the upbeat—all the way through the chorus. We all just looked at each other and shrugged? The snorts are in there just underneath driving the beat. Gotta love it.

I have to say something about JT’s playing on this song. His solo is, once again, perfect. This song’s solo is like the dénouement in a good novel—it coasts us to the three-part outro. I love the addition of the ghosty “We’re still kleen” in the middle of the solo.